The-Codependent's Remedy For Resentments

17 March 2017 Written by 

Before I found recovery, I often felt resentful because I thought I was neglected. I couldn't see my part in my heartache because I was too busy looking at how other people had let me down.

My Past Expectations

I expected my grown-up life to be like TV shows. My small family of three would join my extended family and their families for meals, holidays, and parties. We would laugh together and cry with each other. Our deep love for each other would carry us through life’s tough times.

Without their knowledge or consent, I signed my parents, my siblings, and their significant others up for this adventure of life-long support and camaraderie. I assumed we were all on the same journey.

My Role In The Extended Family

When one of them had a crisis, per our implied agreement, I rushed to comfort them. I laughed at their funny stories and empathized with their disappointments. When they were sick, I took care of them. I thought we were taking turns caring for each other and I went first.

When I Had A Problem

Now, it was their turn to take care of me. I thought they knew that. They did not. Instead, my feelings got hurt. I was in an unhealthy pattern of motivations, expectations, and resentments. My dysfunctional pattern of thinking is common in families affected by alcohol use disorder or substance abuse disorder. When one family member suffers from addiction, others learn maladaptive ways of coping. The first time a maladaptive method works, we latch on to it and repeat it over and over.

Changing maladaptive family patterns takes years of recovery and strong boundaries. Because I had neither, I started small by practicing these skills in my kitchen.

A New Way To Tackle Problems

Last week, I tried to make Starbuck’s sous vide egg bites in my home without success. Instead of waiting for unsuspecting relatives to come to my rescue, I decided to ask for help.

ROR's very own Leslie Glass is a fantastic cook who often treats us to delicious French soups. She taught me how to poach my eggs, and the results were perfect. I got to take an easy, inexpensive culinary adventure from the comfort of my own home. I purchased:

  • A simple metal egg-poaching tray that holds three eggs and floats inside my skillet
  • Fancy imported cheese – I choose parrano, a blend of parmesan and gouda
  • Brocolini, an exotic cross between broccoli and kale. (It actually originated in Japan, but it felt French to me.)
  • Shallots
  • Tarragon

Basic Faux Sous Vide Eggs

  • 3 eggs
  • 3 tablespoons of cottage cheese
  • Dash of salt
  • Mix-ins of your choosing

I added 1 stem of broccolini, one small shallot, and one small clove of garlic, all finely chopped and sautéed in one tablespoon of butter. I also added 3 tablespoons of grated cheese.

Add all of the basic ingredients to a food processor, which is certainly not French, and pulse.  Fill a large skillet half-full of water and heat to simmer. Add the floating metal egg-poacher. Fill each slot with egg mixture and top with mix-ins. Cover the pan and let cook for 8 minutes.

The eggs were a perfect make-at-home imposter. Even my husband loved them. The best part of this recipe is each person can add their own toppings. These would be great with bacon, sausage, spinach, peppers, ham. The options are endless and no side dish of resentment.

A Reach Out Recovery Exclusive By: Pam Carver


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Read 4505 times Last modified on Thursday, 01 June 2017 15:11
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Pam Carver

In my family of origin, three of us are in treatment for codependency, drugs, and/or alcohol abuse. Two of us are in denial about the devastating effects codependency, drugs, and alcohol have had on our family. None of us are talking about it. I’m the codependent one on a quest for healthy living through love and boundaries. My journey started in Celebrate Recovery. I have much to learn and practice. I live with my wonderful husband, amazing son, and pseudo-therapy beagle, Spot. I enjoy long walks on the beach and writing about the life-changing principles I’m learning in the rooms of recovery.
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