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Looking For My Serenity

06 January 2017 Written by 

I saw my sponsor, Jane, last night. I asked her if she had seen my serenity anywhere. I seem to have lost it. Jane said we could retrace my steps and find where it might have left me.

Looking back over the previous month I recited to Jane what had occurred: 

  • Didn't want to but had to host Christmas dinner in my home
  • Talked to at least 5 police officers dealing with alcohol related incidents
  • Was awakened by a frantic phone call from my youngest daughter, Madison (read that story here)
  • My son refused to come for Christmas dinner because he wanted a heartfelt apology for having been raised in an alcoholic home
  • Had a minor car accident
  • Gained unwanted weight (surprise)
  • It was a drama-filled month

Jane suggested perhaps that was too much pain for me to absorb in just one month. I was shocked. Wasn’t I suppose to handle all these stressors with ease and confidence, using the tools of my recovery program?  She looked at me with a puzzled look and said, “You have had a hard month. Why not be gentle with yourself?”

I realized I was so accustomed to using my recovery tools to help me handle life’s troubles I had forgotten that sometimes there isn’t a secret recipe. Sometimes it just hurts and you feel lost for a while. That is how I feel today, as though I have lost something of great value.

What tool in Al-Anon can help me when I am feel lost and overwhelmed by the disease of addiction? My sponsor suggested I start with:

How Important Is It?

Had I allowed all these different situations to pile up and feel like one big monster? How important were all these events?

  • No one was arrested
  • One day we would all laugh at this holiday season
  • 4 out my 5 adult children talk to me often
  • The holiday treats were gone and I would lose the weight
  • My car and my body were both getting repaired 

After I allowed this slogan to soothe my weary soul, she suggested just one more.

This Too Shall Pass

Over the years I have discovered that everything changes, everything. Sometimes I like the changes and sometimes I dread the changes. Regardless of how I feel change is happening and will continue to happen. I usually having a peaceful inner life, but no one guarantees a life free of problems, even if you have a strong recovery program.

  • Losing my serenity was a change I didn’t like
  • If I keep the focus on myself and not panic this too shall pass and I will be OK
  • My Higher Power has not left me alone, I just feel alone
  • My recovery was depleted in December, but it is January and I have hope that it will be replenished

While I wish, my serenity was found and I was my old cheerful self, I am not going to lie to make others feel better. I have done that for most of my life. My Higher Power has an excellent “lost and found” department. I will continue to wait for my serenity’s safe return, in the mean time I will do the next right thing and breathe.

A Reach Out Recovery Exclusive By: Madeline Schloop

Read 1756 times Last modified on Wednesday, 15 February 2017 13:44
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Madeline Schloop

Madeline is the widow of a man who died of alcoholism and the mother of 5 young adults whom she parents with the tools of Al-Anon. Her children continue to be affected by the disease of alcoholism. Her stories  deal with life's daily trials and what has and hasn't worked.
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