Husband Won't Stop Using

10 December 2015 Written by 

I am 90 days clean. My husband still uses daily. I feel like I'm giving up on him by leaving. Especially as his using doesn't make me want to at all. But I feel like I'm enabling him at this point. I have thought of forcing him into rehab. The reason being that a person cannot have much clarity after five years on meth daily. Do you think that would do more harm than good? I would rather we separate amicably and my son not see us hating each other if possible. Even if he still uses and only sees our son on a supervised basis than he has hate in his heart for me. That's so hard on children. I'm really just trying to find the best solution for my son.  Thank you, Tangie

Dear Tangie:

Congratulations on 90 days of sober living. It is really something to be proud of. You are setting a great example for your son that way.  What did it take for you to turn your life around? What sustains you each day?  Whatever it is, keep doing it.

As you know, you can’t make someone else get clean. It is an individual decision. What you can do is decide whether you want to remain married to or live with someone who is married to meth. It really is like that. In therapy sessions, I would ask clients this question: Are you in a monogamous relationship with your partner? When they would tell me they were, I would remind them that if either they or their partner were using, then it was like having a third person in the relationship with them. If both of them were using, it was like being in a four-person relationship and that gets really complicated.

Does He Want To Stop

Rather than thinking you are giving up on your husband, could you instead see it as showing even more love by wanting him to join you in sobriety? I imagine you have had that conversation. Has he expressed a willingness to consider getting clean?  Is he open to the possibility of rehab? 

Intervention Can Be Successful

One idea is an intervention in which a professional would meet with you and a few other important people in his life who want to see him sober, to prepare to sit with him and strongly encourage treatment. It has been successful in many cases.

Boundaries Are Necessary

If he is not willing, then you would be taking a step to create healthy boundaries for yourself and a more stable environment for your son by asking him to leave until he is committed to his family, rather than his current state.

When you say hate in his heart for you, do you mean your son or husband?  Whether either of them have those feelings is not your fault. You might ask your husband how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and he was clean while you continued to use, as well as if he would want your son to follow in his footsteps in that regard and be imprisoned by a substance.

What's Best For The Children

When children grow up in an environment in which drugs are like another family member, according to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, they experience all types of ill effects and have a greater chance of using themselves.

I encourage you to attend Nar-Anon and if needed, seek therapy for yourself and your son.

Wishing a good outcome for you and your family.

Reach Out Recovery Exclusive by Edie Weinstein

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Edie Weinstien

Rev. Edie Weinstein, LSW  is an ‘opti-mystic who views life through the eyes of possibility. Her creative, career and spiritual paths have led her to become a writer, speaker, interfaith minister, reiki master, clown, greeting card text writer and social worker. She engages in life fully, inviting others to join her. As a guide, she holds a mirror up to those with whom she works, so that they may see their own beauty and discover their own answers.
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