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What Are The Stages Of Grief

27 May 2017 Written by 

Everyone loses loved family members, pets, and important close relationships during the course of a lifetime. Mourning is natural and universal. How people grieve and mourn was first proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death And Dying. This book was based on interviews with dying patients and her theory was based the emotions and feelings of those facing their own mortality than from the perspective of those losing a loved one. Still the five stages of grief have been long been accepted as gospel. They are as follows.

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry. 

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

  • If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
  • If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
  • If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.

The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.Terminally ill or aging patients appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.

Grieving Loved Ones and Relationships

The stages described above are not experienced by everyone facing death, nor are they experienced by all those who are mourning. Relationship loss, divorce, and death of loved ones can be experienced in many ways and resilience can play a big role in how people mourn, and how long it takes for them to come to terms. Some people get stuck in their grief and can't move forward. Others grieve with gratitude for what they had and can find ways to let go and move on. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to feel grief as it comes over you.

 

If you need help with grief, addiction, or other mental health problems, check out our new website for professionals who can help.  

Read 1872 times Last modified on Thursday, 01 June 2017 13:26
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